Voldie's Special Meeting with Lucius and Severus
by UnderneathTheBridge
Summary: Voldemort calls Severus and Lucius to his Evil Loft of Doooooom for some very special meetings. Part Two up! Voldie finally got the blacklight posters, Snape defends his intellectualism, and Lucius is very proud of his hair.
1. The Very Special Meeting

Voldie Has a Very Special Meeting with Lucius and Severus

Author's Note: I wrote this at 2 in the morning, which should hopefully begin to explain some of this.  It take place in the First War……as if that matters.

Setting: Voldemort's Evil Loft of Doooooom!!!!

Voldemort is sitting on a cardboard box in his Evil Loft of Doooom.  Severus and Lucius enter.  Lucius is sucking on a lollipop.

SEVERUS: No offense, Dark Lord, but this place is a real dump.

VOLDEMORT: You'll be eating your words later, Severus.

SEVERUS: And it isn't particularly evil.  Sure, it's claustrophobic, but……

VOLDEMORT: I'm going to get a few blacklight posters.  Now shut up and find some cardboard boxes.  

Severus and Lucius pull up boxes and sit down.

VOLDEMORT: You!  Malfoy!  What's that you're sucking?

LUCIUS: Lollipop.

VOLDEMORT: And where did you get it?

LUCIUS: Baby.

VOLDEMORT: Excellent.  Now, try not to drool on my boxes.

Severus rolls his eyes.

VOLDEMORT: Hey!  Nobody rolls their eyes at Voldemort's Evil Cardboard Boxes of Doooom!!!!!

SEVERUS: Can't you just go to Pottery Barn?

VOLDEMORT: Shut up, Severus.  Now, I called you here for a very special reason.

LUCIUS: Oooooohhh!  Are we having another orgy?

Voldemort sighs.

VOLDEMORT: No, Lucius, we are not having another orgy anytime soon.  After the last one….

LUCIUS: Yeah, sorry about that.  I really didn't think the nifflers would trash your castle like that.  We can have it ay Malfoy Manor, if you want.  And I'll make sure nobody brings nifflers….

VOLDEMORT: No, Lucius.  No more orgies.  Not until I get those blacklight posters, at least.

SEVERUS: Lord Voldemort, I doubt you could even fit all the Death Eaters into this hellhole.  And Malfoy Manor isn't a manor, it's a split-level ranch that's slowly sinking into the ground.

LUCIUS: Since when did Severus become Mr. Expert on Architecture and Interior Decorating?

SEVERUS: Since MacNair got me that subscription to _Architectural Digest_ for my birthday.

VOLDEMORT:  Okay, okay, settle down here.  It's come to my attention that there is…a spy among us.

LUCIUS: That SUCKS!

VOLDEMORT: It more than sucks, Lucius.  It blows.

SEVERUS: Why are you telling us this?

VOLDEMORT: Well, Lucius is my most ardent supporter…and Severus, you're just brimming with potential for pure, unbridled evil.

Severus starts picking at a zit on his nose.

VOLDEMORT: Severus!  Stop that!

SEVERUS: Yes, Lord Voldemort.

VOLDEMORT: What did I tell you, Severus?

SEVERUS: Magical scars might be cool, but acne scars are just ugly.

VOLDEMORT: Good boy.

LUCIUS: But, Dark Lord, we're not supposed to be good!  We're supposed to be eeeeeeevil!!!!"

VOLDEMORT: Uh….Lucius, shut up.

LUCIUS: Yes, Lord Voldemort.

VOLDEMORT: So, who do you boys think it is?

LUCIUS: Uh…….

SEVERUS: Karkaroff?

VOLDEMORT: Nah, he's too busy trying to get through _Anna Karenina_.

LUCIUS: Uh……………

SEVERUS: Bellatrix?

VOLDEMORT: No, she's too busy having sex with anything that walks.

LUCIUS: Uhhhhhhh……….uhhh……………………….. 

VOLDEMORT: Any bright ideas, Lucius?

LUCIUS: Uhhh…..what about Karkaroff?

Voldemort sighs.

VOLDEMORT: Lucius, were you even thinking about the spy?

LUCIUS: I'm sorry.  I was thinking about…..

VOLDEMORT: Come on, Lucius, spit it out.

LUCIUS: Could God make a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean so big that he himself could not eat it?

VOLDEMORT: Focus, Lucius, focus.  This is very serious.

LUCIUS: Maybe it's Sirius!

SEVERUS: What?

VOLDEMORT: He's not a Death Eater, Lucius.

LUCIUS: I know.  I was just trying to be funny…..you know, Sirius, serious….I'm sorry.

Severus pats Lucius on the back.

SEVERUS: It's all right, Lucius.  You might not be funny, but you throw damn good orgies.  Well, when you don't bring animals.

LUCIUS: Thanks.

VOLDEMORT: So, it appears that none of us know who the spy is.  How can we uncover him?

SEVERUS: Dark Lord, you're being sexist.  I won't tolerate a sexist workplace.

VOLDEMORT: Okay, okay…how can we uncover him or her?

SEVERUS: Thank you.

VOLDEMORT: So, any ideas?

SEVERUS: Hmmm…..we can use Legilimency or something.

VOLDEMORT: Nah.  That makes too much sense.

LUCIUS: Uhhhhhhh…….uhhhh……

VOLDEMORT: What is it now, Lucius?

LUCIUS: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Chocolate Frog, o Dark Lord?

VOLDEMORT: You don't lick Chocolate Frogs, Lucius. 

LUCIUS: I do!

VOLDEMORT: Back to the spy thing here, people!  Come on!

SEVERUS: Just curious…how did you find out about the spy?

VOLDEMORT: None of your damn business, Snape!

SEVERUS: I was just wondering…..please don't yell at me, I might start crying…

VOLDEMORT: Okay, if you really want to know, I've been spying on Minerva McGonagall.

SEVERUS: Spying?

VOLDEMORT: Okay, I usually just watch her undress.  But I heard her talking to Dumbledore once.

SEVERUS: You know, it's really dangerous to go doing that yourself.

VOLDEMORT: I know, but she's got this gorgeous mole on her right thigh.  I'm kind of a thigh man myself.

SEVERUS: I really think we should let the whole spy thing slide.  It was probably just a rumor spread around to…uh, throw you off the track.

VOLDEMORT: Hmmm….

LUCIUS:  Uhhhhh….hey, what if Severus is the spy?

VOLDEMORT: Don't be stupid, Lucius.  Just finish your candy and try not to talk.

LUCIUS: Mmmm….

VOLDEMORT: You're right, Severus.  You're such a good boy.

SEVERUS: My daddy never told me that…

VOLDEMORT: What was that?

SEVERUS: Never mind, Dark Lord.

VOLDEMORT: All right.  That's about it.  I got the hot water in my sink working this morning…anybody want some Maruchan Instant Noodles?

SEVERUS: Are they shrimp?

VOLDEMORT: No, chicken.

SEVERUS: Aw, damn.

LUCIUS:  Yes!  Maruchan!


	2. The Even Specialer Meeting

Meeting 2: The Even Specialer Meeting

Author's Note: With 60% more idiocy!

Setting: Voldemort's Evil Loft of Doooooooooooooooooom!!!!!!!

Voldemort is lying on a ratty orange couch in his Evil Loft of Dooooooom.  The only changes to the room are the addition of the couch and three blacklight posters.  Severus and Lucius enter.

VOLDEMORT: What the hell are you two doing here?

SEVERUS: You said we had a meeting…..

VOLDEMORT: Oh.  Right.  Juuuuuuust testing you.  Good thing you're so smart, Severus.

LUCIUS: Hmmph.  I'm smart too, you know.  Well, maybe not, but I'm rich, and that's good enough.  And I have nice hair.  It's silky.

SEVERUS: I don't need money and looks!  I'm an intellectual!  I stand in the face of this shallow money-driven modern society!  I'm ostracized because I don't fit society's image of what's "attractive!"

LUCIUS: Well, and maybe because you go around killing people.

SEVERUS: Oh shut up, you blond bimbo.

VOLDEMORT: Oh, stop bickering.  Here, boys, sit down on the couch.

Severus and Lucius sit on the couch next to Voldemort.

SEVERUS: Dark Lord, you _still_ aren't done unpacking?

VOLDEMORT: I don't having enough time!  I'm busy!

SEVERUS: Yeah, busy stalking Minerva McGonagall…

VOLDEMORT: Insolence!  I'm simply gathering intelligence!

LUCIUS:  Whoa…..blacklight posters…….psychedelic……..

VOLDEMORT: Which one do you boys like best?

LUCIUS: I like the Cher one.  She looks good in fringe.

VOLDEMORT: And Severus?

SEVERUS: Ugh…..the Elvis one…….I suppose……..

VOLDEMORT: See, I'm personally partial to the Pink Floyd one.  However, all blacklight posters are beautiful…..just like all of God's children.

SEVERUS: What the hell?

VOLDEMORT: Uhhhh……too much acid…….so, Lucius, how's the little woman?

LUCIUS: She's a bitch.

SEVERUS: Lucius!  Be more respectful of womyn!

LUCIUS: Hey, Severus, if you're so into respecting women, why haven't you got a girlfriend?

SEVERUS:  Because…..because…….because all chicks are shallow money-driven bitches!

LUCIUS: Yeah, that's exactly—hey, wait, didn't you just say…..

SEVERUS: I said nothing!

LUCIUS: Oh, okay.

VOLDEMORT: So, I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here today.

SEVERUS: Well, not really.

VOLDEMORT: And why would that be?

LUCIUS: Because you told us what we're here for about three hours ago.

VOLDEMORT: Oh.  Sorry.  I was just having a senior moment.

SEVERUS: More like a druggie moment.

VOLDEMORT: Insolence!  Insolence!  My use of Muggle drugs helps me expand my horizons and get in touch with the universe.

LUCIUS: And you get cravings for HoHos.

VOLDEMORT: Well, then, I'll assume that you two know that this is about the orgies.  As we all know, the last one didn't turn out that well.

LUCIUS: It wasn't my fault that the house-elves were incompetent!  And I swear that I didn't bring any animals.  That was MacNair, dammit!

VOLDEMORT: To put it bluntly, Lucius, the last one was as boring as hell.  I mean, come on!  You didn't have enough chains for everybody, the spikes on the whips were dull, the nooses broke like _that_, and you ran out of tequila _and _vodka!

LUCIUS: Hey, you try putting together an orgy!  It's hard!  There's just so much planning involved!

VOLDEMORT: I'm well aware of that, Lucius.  You can't handle the challenge of running a good orgy.  That's why I'm putting all future Death Eater orgies into the bony little hands of Severus.

SEVERUS: I'm so flattered that I'm going to disregard that bony little hands comment!

LUCIUS: What?  What would we do at one of his orgies, have a wine tasting and play charades?

SEVERUS: _Erotic_ charades.

LUCIUS: This is an insult to me, this is an insult to the entire Malfoy family, and this is an insult to the art of orgying itself!

SEVERUS: First order of business—more women.  Even Bella was getting tired at the last one, and that woman can—

LUCIUS: We're not discussing Bellatrix Lestrange's famed sexual prowess, we're discussing the future of the Death Eaters!

VOLDEMORT: Hey!  Being a Death Eater isn't about kinky sex parties, it's about killing people!

LUCIUS: Really?  I always thought that all of the striking fear into the heart of the wizarding community stuff was just an afterthought.

SEVERUS: Lucius, you're a moron.

LUCIUS: At least I don't have _bacne_!

VOLDEMORT: Bacne?

LUCIUS: He has zits on his back! 

SEVERUS: It's not that bad!

LUCIUS: Bacne!  Bacne!  Bacne!

SEVERUS: You're so mean!  Dark Lord, make him stop!

VOLDEMORT: Stop teasing Severus!  He may have kind of a pimple problem, but he'll grow out of it!

SEVERUS: Yeah!  Someday I'll be a total sex bomb!  Just you wait and see, Malfoy!

LUCIUS: Okay.  I'm sorry.  Will you forgive me?

SEVERUS: I suppose…

VOLDEMORT: Group hug, everybody, group hug.

They all hug.

SEVERUS: You know, Lucius, you may be as dumb as a stick, but you're a good friend.

LUCIUS: And I have nice hair.

SEVERUS: That too.

VOLDEMORT: Okay, okay.  Now that we're all happy now, let's move on to the next order of business.  We've got a raid coming up.  Do either of you know if there have been any leaks?

SEVERUS: Well, you'd know better than us, since you've been spying on McGonagall.

VOLDEMORT: Well…..about that…let's just say that I'm not always paying attention to what she's saying.  We've been through this.

SEVERUS: I don't believe there have been any.

LUCIUS: Uh, yeah, what he said.

VOLDEMORT: Hmm…..because Pettigrew said that he heard something…..

LUCIUS: Then he's probably the spy!

SEVERUS: Oh, sweet Merlin, not this again…..

VOLDEMORT: Lucius, for the last time, there is no spy.

SEVERUS: Well, Pettigrew probably doesn't know what he's talking about.

VOLDEMORT: Right…..he is just my lackey…….lackeys usually don't know a whole hell of a lot…..

SEVERUS: Right.

VOLDEMORT: Right.  And the final order of business…..I command you two to listen to _The White Album _ with me.

LUCIUS: Again?

VOLDEMORT: Well, this time we're going to play it backwards in order to find hidden messages.

SEVERUS: You mean like, "Voldemort is a hippie loser?"

VOLDEMORT: Insolence!  Insolence!  INSOLENCE!!!!

LUCIUS: Wow, three insolences.  And one's in all caps.  That's not something you see every day.

VOLDEMORT: Well, Severus, I guess you're just not…..smart enough for _The White Album_!

SEVERUS: Not smart enough?  I'm so hurt!

LUCIUS: I like _Sgt. Pepper's_ better.

VOLDEMORT: That's it!  Out of the Evil Loft of Dooooom!  Both of you!  Go!

Lucius and Severus run out the door.

VOLDEMORT: Ahhh…..now to enjoy the sonic glories of _The White Album_.  But first…..Maruchan!


End file.
